50 things I’ve learned
Small truths on friendship, connection, and knowing yourself
I’ve thought a lot about being a person in the world with other people—the pleasures, the pitfalls, and the place various forms of connection has in our lives.
After relaunching
, I thought it was time to compile a list of hard-won lessons and observations about how we get to know ourselves and others.This collection will continue to evolve, and is filled with things I also find myself stumbling over, relearning, and refining.
I hope it inspires you to ponder what wisdom you’ve gleaned about others and yourself, too.
50 things I’ve learned about being a person in the world with other people
Curiosity drives connection — if you take an interest in a lot of things, you will find a lot of people interesting.
Believe in the good intentions of others — they are most likely trying their best (at the very least, this belief improves your own inner-peace).
You cannot read minds — you don’t know what other people are thinking, only what you think they think.
Model the behaviour you wish to receive — if you want an invitation, send them. If you want others to listen, ask questions. If you want to be shown kindness, be kind. You cannot expect something from others that you don’t offer yourself.
Don’t delay kindness — give a compliment the moment you think of it.
If you long for something, create it — you do not have to wait, you can start the meetup, club or gathering you want in the world.
Connection is a tapestry — there are different types and textures, warps and wefts to our relationships. Regularly asking yourself what kind of friendships, interactions or new threads you need right now can help fill the gaps.
Be the one to instigate — start the conversation, follow up with people, say hello.
If you feel a spark with someone, tell them — starting a friendship can be as simple as saying: let’s get this friendship going.
Overgiving is not generosity, it’s a bid for control — when we aren’t self-assured in our own worthiness, we try to grasp it from others.
Make generous assumptions about people — when someone’s behaviour is frustrating, irritating or rude, remind yourself: just like me, this human is simply trying to get comfortable in this world.
Sometimes we conceal what we need to give ourselves by giving it to someone else — ensure your own needs are met first.
Listen well — allow space before you rush to respond, ask more questions, check if someone wants advice or comfort, meet someone’s curiosity about you with curiosity about them.
Go where you’re wanted — have people in your life who are excited to be around you and hear from you.
Concern yourself with yourself — trying to control or change other people is futile. Focus on your own side of the street.
Trust the people who want to be in your life will be — friendship is something two people keep choosing, not insisting upon.
Allow people to be who they are — and then you can decide if that’s for you.
Solitude is an art — if loneliness is the state of being alone and feeling sad about it, solitude is the state of being alone and feeling content about it.
The fantasy versions of our social lives can get in the way of appreciating what we already have — as can chasing approval, status, and popularity.
Compliment people behind their back — gossiping is a shortcut to connection, and often short-lived. Turn the habit around for more enduring bonds.
Be wary of living on someone else’s time — don’t contort yourself trying to please somebody.
The truth will set you free — but it’s also an investment. People need to be open to hearing it, and sometimes it’s not worth the labour.
Sometimes people don’t receive our gifts how we intended them — your candour might be refreshing to one person, and confronting to another. That doesn’t diminish your strengths, it’s just a matter of compatibility.
Doing things just for the applause of certain people is rarely gratifying — instead, cultivate self-respect, which first stems from knowing ourselves.
It’s rarely about you — people will project, often without knowing they are doing so themselves. We are complicated individuals living in our own interconnected universes.
Resentment is the opposite of friendship — don’t obsess about what you’re not getting from people; instead, nurture the things you are.
There’s no such thing as a ledger of love — reciprocity is not something that can be perfectly measured. You might say I love you with an elaborate home-cooked meal, and someone else might say it by remembering to ask how that difficult conversation with your boss went last week.
Being right isn’t the most important thing — being open to various perspectives, on the other hand, might be.
People are allowed to disappoint you — it’s okay for someone to change their mind, politely decline, and say the difficult thing. It’s a reminder you can do the same, too.
Make decisions based on now — not what something or someone could be, should be, or might be in the future. Why grovel just to get more of the same?
“Some things are best mended by a break” — Edith Wharton.
Forgiveness is for you — and sometimes what you really need to do is forgive yourself.
Regularly check for blinders — who or what are you neglecting in your busyness, distractions or rumination?
Focus on the people who can fulfil you, not the fillers — don’t allow people who demean, deplete or diminish you to fill so much of your time, meaning you don’t have space for the people who can.
Our social lives go through seasons — be okay with the ebb and flow, and honour what you need in a given moment, too.
If someone is mad at you, it’s up to them to tell you — we spend so much time trying to read minds, avoid disappointing someone, or step around the truth instead of remembering other people have their own agency.
Difficult conversations can often deepen or disintegrate relationships — know when you’re playing tennis with yourself.
Don’t wait for perfect conditions — simply connect. Reach out even if it’s been a while.
Avoid making your social life another to-do — practice the art of sitting around, hanging out, and just do life together.
Needing to be needed creates a negative feedback loop — it’s not companionship or care, it’s co-dependency.
You can love someone and still have to let them go — one of the hardest, most crucial things is to realise when a dynamic is hurting you both.
Don’t place your worth in anything outside you — if you link your worthiness to any activity, person or thing, it can all too easily be diminished.
Rejection is redirection — try not to take it personally.
Accept people’s limits — people are both wonderful and imperfect, and love is the recognition of all parts.
Sometimes the easiest thing to do is to just say what you want — simply and directly.
To be alive is to be misunderstood — people might misunderstand you, dislike you, judge you. But the more likely scenario is they won’t even think about you.
It’s better to lead with a question than an accusation — remain open.
People are gonna people — they change, they stay the same, they disappoint you, they uplift you, they mirror you, they challenge you, they annoy you, they delight you.
Friends are like daffodils — they pop up when you least expect.
We think we have time — yet we don’t actually know if “later” or “another time” might come, or when it might be the last time. So seize the opportunities you have to be in the world with the people you love most in the world.
If you found this collection helpful, many of the themes will be explored in more depth in future essays, so be sure to subscribe to for regular posts and access to the archive.
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I can’t wait to absorb this post and keep coming back to it!
will be writing this, by hand, in my personal journal. with a nice pen. as an assignment. to remember it. as a person who struggles A LOT with making/having friends and making connections in general, this was gentle yet affirming.