On the lost art of sitting around
How time, space, and rituals can deepen friendships
How often do you get the chance to just sit around with someone?
The question struck me when I was visiting a friend in the countryside. We’d just finished lunch and went outside to digest in the sunshine, which turned into hours of just sitting around chatting in the backyard.
At the time, I remember thinking how rare it was to share an unhurried afternoon with a friend.
For many of us, our days tend to be rather full. An overscheduled working life, various family commitments and the constant demands and pressures of living can all make it difficult to find time to socialise. And then, when we do manage to squeeze in a catch-up, it can seem like just another task to tick off. The rushed timeframe can make it feel more like getting the news bulletin of someone’s life—the same rote questions asked and answered.
There’s no time for the pauses that give room to deeper revelations.
There’s no space for delving into the minutia of someone’s life.
There’s no sense of spontaneity to explore new ideas, wisdom, and create new memories.
We tend to make these confined plans with people—“meet you at 7pm at this restaurant”—but I think true friendship is made in the moments in between. Sitting around on the train on the commute there. Waiting in line for the latest coveted pastry. Walking home together afterwards. Accompanying someone on an errand.
This unstructured form of interaction provides a lot more room for nourishing connection. Instead of draining our social battery, it recharges it.
In the book Hanging Out, author Sheila Liming describes doing nothing in the company of others as “a healing venture”—not only does it train our social muscles, but it also helps us reclaim time.
“When we set aside time and space for hanging out, we assert our right to be non-productive, in the economic sense, and likewise our right to produce differently, by focusing on the work that is required for the strengthening of social ties,” writes Liming.
These two ingredients—time and space—can feel like an elusive luxury, but do they have to be?
Sitting under the mulberry tree
For years, a group of friends has been meeting every week at a community garden to sit around, sip coffee and talk about whatever under the mulberry tree.
I asked friend, community member and illustrator Zahra Zainal about the origins of the regular gathering, which began during the pandemic lockdowns:
“My then-partner had the inspiration of 'Wouldn't it be lovely to have a fixed point every week where our friends would gather serendipitously, knowing that a friend from our circle might be there, and we'd hang out? And if there wasn't anyone, there is always the beauty of the park?'”
Zahra credits a few things to the longevity of the gathering. “Attendance is low-pressure. Most importantly, several of us live within walking distance of the garden. Proximity is very important for group momentum and consistency.”
The regular time and set location mean if you’re looking for social connection, you know where to find it each week, but the inherent flexibility also allows the group to expand and contract.
“A public community space means no one has to shoulder the task of hosting and preparing,” added Zahra.
Sitting around at home
While the mulberry tree makes use of a third space—a location outside the home or work where people can gather—sitting around can also be done in the home.
When I catch up with two friends I’ve known since high school (a couple who I credit match-making when we were 16!) we call it “a flop”—we might make dinner or order takeaway, but the main objective is to simply flop on the couch, skip the small talk and chat about whatever is on our mind that week. We’ve done this for over a decade, and even though it’s ad-hoc, we can always pick up threads of conversation right where we left off.
Fanfare can also be added to sitting around at home—Friend Soup is one example. In response to that essay, reader Miju Martin also told me about Sunday Supper Club. In the beginning, Miju and her partner would invite friends over for dinner with no schedule in mind, and then over time, it became a weekly thing with a solid group of five or more.
The ritual isn’t rigid—some weeks are missed—but Miju says it’s created a core friendship group: “A regular gathering gives me something to look forward to and has created a supportive community dynamic. You can bring work problems, life problems, whatever you experienced the previous week to the table,” says Miju.
Sitting around with someone can even be virtual. Zahra told me she regularly hangs out with people online to body-double hard tasks, do yoga, even watch movies.
“The more frequently we are in touch with people we care about, the easier it gets to be authentic with each other,” she said.
Similarly, in an article on Wait But Why, Tim Urban also describes his ritual of chatting to two friends every Friday on Zoom.
“The conversations are great because they’re free of big-picture catch-up—they’re either about ongoing keeping up, or more often, just fun divergent conversations about third-party topics. If you have anyone you like talking to enough to do it a few times every month, try to make that happen,” writes Urban.
The art of keeping up
At the heart of all of these examples is this idea of “keeping up” instead of “catching up.” The difference between the two, I think, is intimacy.
When we are familiar with the day-to-day happenings of people’s lives, we can show up. We can cheer people on and cheer them up. We can open up about the highs and the lows. We can feel connected.
“Sharing space, energy, wisdom and resources makes it possible to cope with the stresses and complexity of life,” said Zahra. “It is with other people that we realise we are not alone in our problems. Our joys can be amplified even more when there's a chorus of laughter to be had.”
We might not have the whole afternoon to spend with someone, or the ability to commit to something every week, but there are more opportunities to simply sit around and be together than we might think.
Often, a barrier to seizing such opportunities is the pervasiveness of “later” or “another time.”
We think we have more time, but we don’t actually know when we might get another chance to just sit around again, under this tree, with this person, in this place.
I’m now on the other side of the world from my friend and that garden in the countryside, and while there was probably something else I thought I “should” be doing that afternoon, the two of us chatting and sipping tea and looking at the plump tomatoes on the vine makes for a far better memory than answering a few extra emails ever could.
We rush around in the swirl of our schedules, forgetting that sometimes just sitting around is the most important thing we can do that day.
As Zahra told me, “Learning to connect is an essential relational skill, and perhaps one of the most important in our fast-moving times. It would improve anyone’s mental health to know that they are loved, supported, seen and heard in a community.”
These moments with friends don’t serve a particular purpose—they’re not about status, or networking or even an agenda—and that’s what makes them truly purposeful.
“It’s the true essence of ‘being there’ for each other. It means showing up with regularity. The act of strengthening bonds with quality humans is one of the most rewarding things you can do in life,” added Zahra.
Sitting around offers a chance to discover not only more about your friend, but also yourself. As
reflected on the beauty of sitting around with a friend in a local café:“... With a friend, there's a kind of solitude possible, even in their company. There might be silence and no rush to fill it. And why not? You can let one another be.”
My mind goes back to my friend and I sitting in the backyard on that picturesque day. We made our way onto the grass to lay head-to-head and look up at the sky. We both went quiet. She let out a comfortable sigh. We continued like this for a while, feeling at ease.
When was the last time you just sat around with someone, letting each other be, knowing you are not alone, but spectacularly connected?
More ideas and rituals to deepen friendship
Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time by Sheila Liming
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The best friends can do nothing for you by Arthur C Brooks
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Has optimisation come for connection? by
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Many thanks to Susie Thatcher for your keen eye on the draft, and to Zahra Zainal and Miju Martin for sharing your reflections for the piece.
This is such a great post, thank you! This is encouraging me to think about organizing lower-lift events and /or rituals, thank you! I really like the idea of "doing life with my friends" vs "catching-up with my friends on my life" too! Thanks again!
Keeping up! Love this and grateful for the rebirth of a social life with friends. It’s a joy to read!