Go where you’re wanted

On choosing the people who choose you back

A friend of mine once cancelled a third date because, as she put it, life is too short to spend time with people who aren’t enthusiastic about being around you.

It stayed with me as advice not just for dating but all relating: have people in your life who are glad to have you around.

Obvious, maybe, but it can sometimes be difficult to decide when to keep trying and when to move on to something—or someone—else. Maybe if I just go on one more date, give it one more month, send one more message, things will be different.

Making enthusiasm a metric takes some of the guesswork out of this dance, because it’s a way to determine if your level of trying is being met. Of course, enthusiasm can be expressed in a myriad of ways, but at its core, it communicates “I’m choosing this moment with you.”

Friendship is akin to dating in that, much like the people we choose to date, we tend to choose our friends and are chosen back.

Unlike dating, however, this ongoing choosing is rarely explicit between friends. This makes friendship a uniquely vulnerable and bewildering form of relationship. There’s not the same level of discourse for navigating its pitfalls, such as lopsided friendships, mismatched communication styles, or what happens after fractures or breakups.

Without such a guide, there can be a lot of misplaced energy.

When it comes to our social lives, being the initiator can be a great joy. You’re often the one to invite people to things, to message, to connect. It can no doubt be fulfilling to go towards the things and people you want in life.

But it can also be frustrating when such energy is not reciprocated, giving rise to a quiet lament: why does it always feel like I’m the one making an effort?

The thing is, being a toward person has its pitfalls.

You might find yourself overgiving.

You might feel you need to thank people excessively for doing the bare minimum.

You might find that you crave connection but are not necessarily discerning.

Choosing what isn’t choosing you can be depleting.

That’s why I loved the simplicity behind my friend’s reason to cancel the date.

Instead of fixating on what you might have missed—who doesn’t reply, or forgets to send you invitations—think about who does.

Enthusiasm as a metric

Knowing when to keep going towards someone and when to redirect your energy requires trial and error.

Sometimes, you’ll get it wrong.

Someone stepping back might not be a reflection of their care for you, but rather their current capacity. People also navigate different seasons in their social lives, and maybe they’re just not choosing you right now.

Or perhaps we can apply Hanlon's razor with a tweak—never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by forgetfulness. We’re human, we make oversights and missteps, and there are bound to be people you inadvertently forgot to invite, include, or check in on.

This very humanness is part of why we keep trying. There’s also no universal gauge for effort. So the balance, I think, is to notice how your energy is being met.

Are you knocking on a closed door?

Are you grasping for something someone cannot offer you?

Are you chasing false idols or trying to win certain people over rather than focusing on people who appreciate you?

Examining the energy or enthusiasm exchange doesn’t mean some level of connection can’t be maintained with people who meet you at a different level, but it does offer a valuable insight that it might be time to redirect your effort for now.

In place of the constant outward focus, the toward person might be well served to take stock and notice who and what comes towards them.

There are people who will feel delighted to see your name pop up in a message.

There are people who want you at the party.

There are people who appreciate you, and will come towards you, too.

Choose them, and follow the enthusiasm.

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Many thanks to editor Susie Thatcher for your keen eye on the draft.

For more of my writing, you can peruse the archive and explore my newsletter, On Things.

With fondness & friendship,
Madeleine