101 ways to make and maintain friendships
Real examples from life and listeners
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When was the last time you made a friend and how did you make them?
This is one of the questions I put to listeners, readers and podcast guests in a friendship survey.
What I found most inspiring when collecting the responses is that potential friends are everywhere.
Each of us may be experiencing various shifts in our own social lives, alongside navigating a global loneliness epidemic, but here, I think, are some glimpses of hope.
Of course, not all the answers can be found in a list o f 101 ways to make friends—being a person in the world with other people can be as messy as it is joyful.
That’s why I’ve been interested in delving into both the pleasures and the pitfalls in the first season of the podcast, A social life, with friends. If you’re yet to dive in, you’ll find episodes on everything from navigating the friendship dip and times of retreat, to advice for bringing people together and reframing people-pleasing.
While it may not always be easy, what I’m noticing through my many conversations is that connection can happen—and we can each take steps towards the kind of social life we want.
For inspiration, here is a compilation of 101 ideas for meeting people, reconnecting, and maintaining friendships. It’s a mix of real-life examples from anonymous survey participants, listeners, articles, podcast guests, and my own life.
101 ideas for meeting people, making connections and maintaining friendships
1. Be the instigator
Send the invitation. Reach out. This might be at the heart of every tip that follows.
2. Bring someone into your life every week
After hearing of a childhood friend’s divorce, a listener decided to reconnect and invited them to lunch every weekend for months. Now they are as close as they once were in kindergarten.
3. If you bump into an acquaintance or someone you know online in IRL, say hello
These fleeting encounters can build momentum. If the conversation flows, be bold and ask if they are doing anything right now. I’ve had several spontaneous real-life rendezvous this way, with people I’d only known online!
4. Remember the 11–3–6 rule
It takes about eleven different three-hour-long encounters, over the course of six months or so, to turn an acquaintance into an actual friend.
5. Commit to a regular thing
Go to a particular place or do an activity at a regular time and/or place. Having something in common is a low-stakes way to build friendship or loose ties—for more listen to this episode on improving your social life.
6. Travel based on relationships
Go on holidays to visit friends. See a friend who lives out of town for the weekend. Housesit for friends with some overlap to hang out. Arrange a house-swap and pretend you’re in The Holiday, befriending neighbours.
7. Have friends of all ages
Cultivate intergenerational friendships so you don’t get caught in a generational dip—for more listen to this episode on navigating the friendship dip.
8. Make small talk with strangers
Instead of hesitating over what to say and missing the moment, say anything. I’ve made a friend simply by asking, “Do you know what time the show will start?” If people want to connect, it doesn’t really matter where you start—it’s simply an invitation.
9. Go where you’re loved
We can fixate on winning certain people over or gaining the approval of a certain group, but this takes time and space away from cultivating friendships that are reciprocal and nourishing.
10. Know what kind of connections suit you
“I don’t need to have a tight gang I see all the time as I find that constricting. I pick friends up along the way and love that.” — Anon survey response
11. Join a neighbourhood Facebook or WhatsApp group
A new friend might be hiding behind that second-hand cabinet you’re picking up.
12. Organise a neighbourhood party
My favourite example is the Bin Alley Biennale—a twice-yearly neighbourhood party with music, food and art. Hear more from Mariam Ella Arcilla in this episode on making an maintaining friendships.
13. Offer to have an errand hang
Busyness can get in the way of friendship, but offering to go along and do life with someone can circumnavigate that hurdle. For more inspiration, listen to this episode on resolutions for your social life.
14. Build a bridge back to an old friend
The emphasis is often on making new friends, but sometimes connections can be found in our past and rebuilding can have its own rewards. For more ideas, listen to the episode on making resolutions for your social life.
15. Consider how you can be a friend
“To have a friend, be a friend to people.” — Pete Davis from the episode on making and maintaining friendships
16. Get good at offering help
Replace the question, “what can I do to help?” with, “here are three things I can do—let me know which would be most helpful.”
17. Find friends in your daily rhythm
Go to the same cafe every day at the same time—and put gentle invitations of friendship out to the people around you (a small, a bit of chit-chat, a question).
18. Let it just happen naturally
“I started playing golf over a year ago, and through many weekends playing together, it just happened. We just happen to be the same age, where most of the club members are 10-20 years older than us!” — Anon
19. Arrive early to parties and events
Early being just on the start time. Not only will you have more time to chat to the host before things get busy, but you’ll meet people as they arrive which can be less daunting than walking into a room filled with people.
20. Go to things alone
One of my best tips for making new friends is to go to things alone. It can be daunting, but potential new friends are more likely to approach you when you are alone. Be bold and approach others too—and keep tip number eight in mind!
21. Organise a “BYO friend” dinner party
Ask everyone to bring a friend so you all get to meet someone new. This could also be a great format for a joint walk or picnic.
22. Talk to the speaker/host after an event
Less people approach someone with a compliment or a brief thank you than you think. Some of my closest friendships have come from a moment of shared appreciation.
23. Interact with someone whose work you admire
I’ve made several close friendships that began with a compliment via email.
24. Return Tupperware with something in it
I love this practice as etiquette, but also as a symbol for how friendship is fostered through a continuous exchange of nourishment.
25. Ask around for new friends
“When I knew I was moving to a new area, I asked around and people told me they knew people who were living there. I asked them to make the connection and that led to some beautiful friendships.” — Anon
26. If you feel a spark with someone, tell them
“I had a work meeting and at the end said, let’s be friends! I make a lot of friends like that.” — Anon
Similarly, a new acquaintance once texted me to say, “Let’s get this friendship started” and it was such a boost.
27. Practice not taking a ‘no’ personally
People might feel the spark too, but it might not be the right time for them to cultivate a new friendship. The important thing is to extend the invitation.
28. Let people know you’re in town
This advice doesn’t need to be reserved for good friends—be bold and tell an old acqutaince or even someone you admire that you’re in town and would love to take them out for a coffee. (Just be sure not to pressure someone to play tour guide!)
29. Co-work
Get a desk or a regular day pass at a co-working space or studio, or put out an open, standing invitation to regularly co-work at a cafe.
30. Introduce yourself to your neighbours
Invite your new neighbours over for a drink or dinner.
31. Be the connector
If there’s an activity you love doing regularly, invite multiple friends along so they can meet each other. For example, a friend of mine brings different people along for a sauna and swim every week.
32. Seek out the connectors
You can be the connector, but you can also find others. Connectors are the ones who brings another friend along so you can meet, who make the email intros, who connect you with a friend in the city you’re visiting.
33. If you see a kindred spirit but they seem shy, sometimes a bit of perseverance works
“I met a woman with kids of a similar age at a park, and she later told me she had had an awful day and was totally not up for making friends, but I persevered and we’re close now.” — Anon
34. Live with other people
Embrace share houses, retire with your friends, or find more inspiration in the episode on living with other people featuring Rosie Kellett.
35. Apply for things
It’s not always about the professional opportunity, but the personal too. You can meet new people through residencies, group shows, further studies, courses and so on.
36. Stay connected
If you’re doing a class, residency, or group thing, create a WhatsApp group to stay connected.
37. Find friends at the gym
Go to the same gym or yoga class every week.
38. Help someone
“I made a possible new friend recently at the bus station by helping someone out who didn’t have the necessary language skills, then continuing to talk and getting her phone number.” — Anon
39. Join something
A choir, a book club, a faith based group, a running group.
40. Or be the one to start the club you wish existed
A book club, a running club, a swim club, a knitting club. Listen to the episode on bringing people together for more ideas.
41. Seek out specificity
I have a friend who has his “clubbing friends” his “hiking friends” his “art show friends.” Think of the specific things you love and then find people do those things with.
42. Set goals for your friendship
We set goals for our working lives, but we can do the same for our friendships. It could be quantitative, like hosting four dinner parties a year, or qualitative, like asking friends what makes them feel more loved.
43. Tap into friends-of-friends
“Earlier this year I offered to babysit while my friend ran a marathon and I made a friend through that trip (friend of friend who was also helping with the kids).” — Anon
44. Attend alumni events or reunions
“I went to a happy hour thrown by my alma mater and a student there approached me because she had seen some of my creative work. She seemed lovely, so I reached out to her on Instagram and then we met up for coffee a few weeks later.” — Anon
45. Engage in the hobbies you enjoy and allow friendships to emerge
“I am starting to meet with a new drawing group and by repetition I am making friends with different people in the group. We meet as a group, I don’t think I would reach out to them individually.” — Anon
46. Make small talk with other parents at events or school pickup
“We always walked in at the same time, finally chatted, clicked quickly, and went on a successful double-date.” — Anon
47. Work, works
“I have made quite a few friends through work. My most recent friendship would have been made through lots of chatting at work.” — Anon
48. Volunteer or get involved in a cause you care about
Feel good friendships.
49. Go along to an activity weekly
“I made new friends this last winter by going skiing weekly.” — Anon
50. Remember the magic ratio applies to friendship too
The 5 to 1 ratio suggests that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable relationships has to have five (or more) positive interactions.
51. Rediscover the social in social media
Many survey participants shared they’ve made friends through Instagram, LinkedIn, X (or Twitter), and I’ve done the same on several occasions—see tip number 98 for more on my experiment in meeting new people.
52. Get a dog
“The woman who moved into the flat opposite to mine liked my dogs and the plants in my balcony, so she shouted a hello one morning and introduced herself. We exchanged numbers and started talking.” — Anon
53. Create a ritual with someone
For example, playing chess every Tuesday, or going for a hike every Sunday.
54. Make couple friends
“Over the last couple of years I made a really close friend up here where I live now. I originally met her husband, but then thanks to the fact that my husband gets on with him (he is picky about socialising) we see them a lot.” — Anon
55. Connect with an alcohol-free group
“I made a new friend through Facebook group for people who are deciding to socialise and live alcohol-free. We connected online and then arranged to meet for coffee and we've set a date for catching up for brunch in a couple of weeks.” — Anon
56. Partner up (romantically or platonically) with an outgoing extrovert
“I'm always making new friends through my partner who is very cheery and social. Our latest is our neighbour, who we see regularly for drinks.” — Anon
57. Suggest something
“I made a new friend at a drawing class. She told me about a favourite museum of hers and I suggested visiting together.” — Anon
58. Dance
I met one of my best friends on the dance floor at a university party (as have several survey participants—somewhat surprisingly!)
59. Seek work with variety
“I am a construction worker and am changing job sites and the people I work with often.” — Anon
The same could be said for a freelancer making friends with different clients and collaborators.
60. Linger before or after things
Milling about after an event such as a talk or gig can be a great way to strike up conversation as there is an in-built talking point.
As one survey participant said: “I made a new friend the other day at the opera! I was there for work, and while I was waiting for my artist at stage door, I started chatting to a really lovely woman who was waiting for a different artist.”
61. Buy an extra ticket for a show and put the call out
(Part one) “I put a message out on Facebook ether asking if anyone was interested in going to see a comedian with me. A then-acquaintance was keen. From there we really hit it off on our other dates to see dance or have a meal. We laugh-cried almost every time we got together.” — Anon
62. Honour the traits that connect you with others
(Part two) “This friend moved back to Australia at the end of 2017 and was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in 2018, right around the time I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. I got to visit her in Australia in 2019, and she died in November 2020. I feel like I'll never have a friendship like that again. But I savour the parts of me that connected to her so deeply, and hope that by honouring those parts (e.g. saying yes to spontaneous offerings of comedy show dates) one day I might meet someone who I connect with like that again.” — Anon
63. Travel alone
“I made a new friend a year ago when I went on a solo trip and was forced to meet new people.” — Anon
64. Take on a different work project
“I met a woman through a project at work and we hit it off. It was a nice reminder that connections can still come quickly and easily even in middle age.” — Anon
65. Be the one that waves
In the episode on making resolutions for your social life, writer Jess Pan shared some research from Nicholas Epley that nobody wants to wave, but we all love to wave back.
Being the one that waves is a wonderful analogy for fostering connection—say hello, send the invite, organise the thing.
66. Follow up with friends of friends
“I made a new friend who introduced me to her best friend. Now we have developed our own relationship.” — Anon
67. Host a cheese night where everyone must bring a cheese that represents their personality
This idea comes from Tina Roth Eisenberg in the episode on bringing people together
68. Learn to get used to people
We might not click with everyone immediately, but even connections with some friction have value. As the author Robert Greene said, “The more you are in contact with others, the more graceful and at ease you become.”
69. Conversely, be discerning
That said, we also don’t need to placate. Your emotions or energy after an interaction might be telling you something. Keep space for the right connections and listen to this episode with Natalie Lue and Holly Whitaker on reframing people pleasing.
70. Remember there are no rules
You can reach out when you’d like, and connect with whomever you like—just keep in mind tip number 27.
71. Consider the trade-offs
“I know if I want to be available for more of the kind of recurring, place-based relationships where I can give and receive support, that means I have to be less available for other things.” — from the friendship problem by Rosie Spinks
72. Travel as a group
It can be a day trip, a weekend away, or an overseas jaunt. Travelling with others can solidify existing friendships, and allow you to meet new people if someone you don’t know comes along.
73. Be open to meeting friends anywhere
Don’t put limitations on where friends can be made—you can find friends anywhere. As one survey participant said: “I made a friend at a housing inspection. My partner and I went to a bunch and kept seeing the same couple. We realised we were both into a similar design aesthetic and were both moving to the same area, so we exchanged numbers. We’ve since become good friends.”
74. Interest begets interest
Be interested in many things so you have many points of connection with people.
75. Study
“I’ve made some of my besties doing higher education. Mature-age students are often drawn to one another (especially in certain courses) and you end up being thrown together for an extended period.” — Anon
76. Put your creative work in the world
I promise your people will eventually find you. As Carl Jung put it, “No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you.”
77. Foster one-on-one friendships within the group
It’s so easy to fall into the group dynamic, but sending a message to someone you only usually see in a group or through your partner can open things up.
78. Attend global events when in different cities
My favourites are CreativeMornings and parkrun.
79. Throw a party
Hosting can be intimidating for some, but the more you host, the more comfortable you will feel. I always love a theme, or you could try the 2-hour cocktail party format. Hopefully, you’ll be invited to more things as people return the favour.
80. Express how you feel
“I told a new friend I loved them and they said it back. We were joking around but sharing our feelings about each other still helped cement the friendship.” – Anon
81. Consider whether moving house could bring new community
“I kept trying to make friends in my old neighbourhood and it felt like a very closed community. As soon as I moved a bit further away from the city, I made heaps of new friends. I know other friends who have had the same experience moving to rural areas or new cities.” — Anon
82. Learn to say no
When we politely decline, we make space for what we want. Delve deeper and listen to the episode on reframing people-pleasing with Natalie Lue
83. Wear an item of clothing that’s a potential talking point
I have a pair of cobalt blue boots that make it easy for people to strike up conversation at cafes or events.
84. Stay friends with your exes, if you can
Often after some necessary space. “Three of my exes are my dear friends. We had reasonably amicable breakups and that definitely helps, but I also know them better than other people, so it would be sad to lose that connection entirely.” — Anon
85. Start a rotating themed dinner party
Years ago, some friends would get together every couple of months for a themed dinner party and take turns hosting. We had lasagna night, where everyone made a different type of lasagna, pie night, miniature night, potato night, and so on.
86. Host an annual event
It could be an extravagant New Years Eve party or Mardis Gras brunch, or a day making passata.
87. Interview people
One of the many pleasant byproducts of interviewing people for a living is the chance to meet people I admire—and many friendships have come from those meetings!
88. Compliment someone
“I told someone on the street her dress was cute and then she said my dress was cute too and we chatted and exchanged numbers on the spot.” — Anon
89. Live near your friends
90. Listen well
Friendships can atrophy when they feel one-sided. Ask questions, be curious, posit whether someone wants advice or comfort before jumping in with solutions.
91. Perform at an open mic night
It gives people a reason to approach you afterwards—see tip number 22!
92. Have the difficult conversation
We can avoid sharing how we feel or a difficult truth, but it can be what builds intimacy. Find more gems in the episode on reframing people-pleasing.
93. Don’t wait for the perfect conditions
It might be preferable to see someone face to face, but it’s not always possible. Many of my deepest connections are fostered through WhatsApp voicenotes and phone friendships.
94. Take a leap
“You have to take that leap of faith and demonstrate your own vulnerability & hope the other person responds in kind. If they do, you are already building a foundation of trust and authenticity. And if they don’t, then you have input to determine what type of relationship you do have. I think with the rise of social media and the pandemic, people are afraid to be vulnerable (and there are good reasons), but by living in that fear, I think they cut themselves off from the possibility of truly nourishing and supportive relationships that help them grow and flourish.” — Samantha Breen
95. Cultivate different types of friendships
96. Allow for the ebb and flow
When you come to see that friendships really are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime you can bring a sense of flow and understanding to all sorts of connections.
97. Go deeper
To skip the small talk, expert Kat Vellos will often say, “Can I ask you a question I've been playing around with lately?” Find more gems in the episode on making an maintaining friendships.
98. Experiment
Many years ago I set the resolution to meet a stranger every week for a year—I made deep friendships I still maintain today, went on dates, and even moved in with new friends.
99. Know when it’s time to retreat and re-emerge
Make the most of an “open” season and reconnect, host, or instigate connections. Make the most of a retreat and rest, recharge, or reach out. For more inspiration, listen to the episode on retreating and re-emerging with Mari Andrew, Katherine May and Jess Pan
100. Be okay with lost friendships
It can be difficult to navigate regret and grief for friendships lost, but we can focus on the doors opening ahead of us, instead of those closed behind us.
101. Have patience
As Georgia O’Keefe said, “Still, in a way, nobody sees a flower, really. It is so small. We haven't time, and to see takes time—like to have a friend takes time.”
This is incredible, Madeleine!
I loved this. Need to go back and check out all the links. Thanks for this ❤️